Conscious relationship | Keith's original writings | Keith's wisdom | Love | Spiritual relationship
This blog post is an excerpt from the original writings of Keith Wilson, the Chocolate Shaman, which were first published in 2012. For more recent info on all things Ceremonial Cacao, visit our main blog For the Love of Cacao.
What follows is a version of Keith's wisdom on the Spiritual Relationship, written by a dear and trusted female friend of his. You can read Keith's original blog post on the Spiritual Relationship here.
"I started to write a bit on it with the intention of making it clearer for someone who has not experienced processing, does not understand densities, or what to do with all the muck inside. Someone who does not know what to do with anger, for example, other than to project it on others or stuff it. So anyway, here is what I came up with".
The very words can perhaps conjure up a vision of an inspired idealistic relationship of spiritual bliss, where both people enjoy harmonious flow together, clear communication, truthfulness, trust, happiness, and joy, reflecting the highest potential for Love. The dream.
Suppose such a relationship seems to present itself. We eventually discover that there is something below the surface that rises up and causes emotional upheavals that can be painful, confusing, fearful, angry, insecure, controlling, and destructive, which may even eventually split up the relationship, with both blaming the other.
So I want to talk about the Spiritual Relationship in an entirely different way. Getting real.
Actually, spiritual relationships are the only ones we CAN have. They all serve as reflections we need to "Know Ourself.”
Our dreams can only become possible in reality (on an ongoing basis) when we ‘wake up’ and begin to see the cluttered, toxic, complex condition of our inner realm. When we recognize the egoic network we identify with, which consists of layers of tightly woven veils of well-hidden lies and illusions (and whose power over us should not be underestimated), and learn how to release and clear it out. When we heal the wounds, undo the false, disintegrate the densities. And get free.
All of our relationships are mirror reflections of some part of us. When used as such, they can be keys that can unlock the secrets to getting free. Thus, they are truly spiritual relationships.
A powerful spiritual relationship is mutually conscious and deep enough to reflect both our highest potential and our deepest fears and emotional pain. Its very important purpose is to do all of that, whether we know it or not at its onset. On deeper levels, each person agrees to this encounter – even (and especially) the difficult parts. So the relationship is not failing when it appears to be immersed in a stuck repeating loop of painful dramas; it is being presented with exactly what each person needs to clear out of their own energetic field. The all-important purifying burn.
From this context, two people can consciously co-operate to do this Work together... and so can even welcome the dark shadow work to come up, for the purpose, and with the support of the other, to process it out.
To do this, one of the first things both need to know is that:
#1. IT IS NOT ABOUT THEM
It is not about the other person, especially when it most seems like it is. Our feelings may have been triggered by them (that is their job, in this context), but the emotions and belief systems coming up are from our own source. If one person gets lost here, it is hugely beneficial if the other is able to hold space for them (i.e., not get tangled up in the drama and stay conscious and focused) so that the triggered one can go down into this density, fear, belief, etc., to disperse and release it.
The higher purpose of any kind of relationship is to get at the Truth, and if we don't yet know what that means, uncovering the false within us is a great way to start. The Truth, gratefully, remains unscathed, well beyond our antics.
This is self-inquiry and inner work that each person needs to consciously engage in independently from the other, which is then reflected in the other as a mirror. If we blame the other for our suffering, we miss the entire point. And we will get lost when one insists on "talking about it" endlessly when none of it is even real outside of false projections that seem so real. So to communicate clearly, we learn to disengage from the drama and to remember what our objective, our intention is.
#2. IT ISN'T ABOUT WHAT IT IS ABOUT
It is not about the situation/story that it appears to be about. It is about removing all the veils, fears, beliefs, pain-body densities, projections, etc., underlying that story.
It is important to keep a strong connection with the other person, in the mutual recognition of this. This way, when one person gets lost, the other can guide them back... help them into observation mode to see it, process it - not deny or stuff it or attack with it. This can get touchy, as both can be triggered; not being attached requires development. It is about getting free of the whole mess, not sorting out a tangled web of dramas, but realizing that the whole package and its complex contents are illusions.
#3. NOTHING CHANGES UNTIL YOU DO
You cannot affect abiding growth and change by trying to manipulate another person’s behavior, blaming them or anyone/anything outside of yourself for your tormenting issues. The mirror does not lie... it is designed to reflect exactly what is in front of it. God makes no mistakes here.
You can try to change the mirror image (imagine trying to do this with a real mirror as you stand in front of it). You can even change partners or situations if this one gets too uncomfortable, or you don't like the reflection staring back at you, or it isn't giving you the happiness you think it should. But the inner source of the reflection is still within you. Eventually, it will attract another appropriate mirror, which will likely start as another well-intended dream only to finally arrive at the same juncture. The work cannot be avoided if our intention is to Awaken... to no longer be satisfied being trapped in a web of lies.
Learning this is a wise and essential component to moving forward and allowing the transformational FLOW of this process.
#4. PAIN IS RESISTANCE
Why do we suffer emotional pain, over and over in repeating cycles... and even design our lives to both create/attract the whole thing while at the same time trying everything to avoid feeling it or owning it?
This is not so absurd to the Ego. Ego, which can never be satisfied or sorted out by its very design, stays well ensconced as long as we engage in this behavior. The Ego's fuel is reactivity, and it loves to stay hidden, as blame is placed on external sources.
We have acquired a false sense of identity, which is complex and based on deeply rooted belief systems pounded into us while growing up. The mind can be used to make the false seem real. The thing being disturbed is the false thing, and were it not there, there would be nothing to be disturbed. The false self carries the burden of its own ignorance; and that is the origin of our suffering. Fear is its powerful ally and valuable multi-use tool.
Yet, there is a greater force at work to awaken and free us, which we have also chosen. How we relate to that force determines how we either flow with it or resist it. The mind/ego ups the stakes of the upheaval and pain created as it rebels and fights against this essential unraveling of what was never true. However long it takes for us to be done with it, or however much grasping for control, suffering, kicking and screaming we engage in... is our choice, or series of choices. When sufficiently humbled by the futility of the exhausting resist-dance, we eventually learn the value of surrender.
It is important to ask oneself... what do I want? Is it first and foremost to free one’s self, to Awaken? Ego is a force to reckon with at every turn but battling it only re-enforces its seeming power over us by making it an enemy, which it is not. This is why resistance only leads us to further dig ourselves into a deeper hole. Based in fear, this is what it is designed to do.
As we free ourselves, our balance of energy changes, and we become clearer. We can then allow spiritual Light to do our purifying Work for us effortlessly. Our spiritual path expands and awakens as we simply get out of its WAY.
So, if you are in a relationship that is reactive, tumultuous, and there is no clear connection and plenty of miscommunication and finger-pointing, and control games between the people involved, etc., etc., we may experience the opposite of the four principles previously discussed:
It IS SO ABOUT THEM. They said this or that mean thing, they cheated, they are abusive, they don’t respect me, etc.
It IS ABSOLUTELY about what it is about. Something said or done by the other, creating a situation, a story, and that IS what it is about.
IT WILL CHANGE when I manage to change the behavior of the other or change the situation.
PAIN AND SUFFERING are caused by them or the situation.
Ok then, now what?
Do I need to be right and the other person wrong? Does something in me seek attention by being the “victim," perhaps to enjoy attracting a rescuer of sorts to save me? Perhaps the unfairness of life is to blame? Whatever...
Can a dis-functional relationship be straightened out, healed, become functional? Where clearly some of this ‘who-did-what-when’ scenario may appear to be absolutely real on one level, it has no basis in truth on another. In fact, it reinforces the false, and its unending complexities are counterproductive to getting free. The Ego can make us believe lies and unconsciously project them all over the place. We invite persons to be our mirrors, however beautiful or unpleasant the reflections become. Then we point our finger at the mirror as being both the source of the problem/pain and the source of our happiness/love. Neither of which is true.
Here is an example. If we have a poor self-image, we will manifest someone to tell us that, in all the ways that agree with and trigger our own negative belief systems (albeit subconscious) about ourselves, and trigger up the corresponding pain reservoirs within us. We may call the person abusive. But would we rather be gifted with a beautiful, tender trap of seductive lies to make us seem so perfect and lovable... before we, ourselves, believe it? And when the source of that pulls it away, what are we left with... rejection?
Similarly, if we have trust issues, we will find betrayal following us. We will project what trust means to us onto another… which may have little to do with them, and so we eventually feel betrayed when they do not live up to our projections.
In the same way, we can project our dreams and love onto them, believing that they give us happiness, security, love, etc. Our source of power is switched from within us to an external source. This will eventually fall apart - because it is not true.
So even the uncooperative relationship is full of information and opportunities. And when we have finally had enough, we will seek to understand why:
*It is not about them.
*It is not what it is about.
*Nothing changes until you do.
*Pain is resistance.
Sometimes it does become time to move on... but it has to be for the right reasons. Moving out of a relationship that is not moving at all can be a reflection of one's own true inner movement... and not an escape from facing the truth. One learns about the flow.... and allows it.